About 5 weeks ago I stepped out in faith and left my “other job” as a jewelry-smith of 2 years, because I knew it was time to pursue my dream of creating an art program with Children of the Nations (COTN). It is a continual step of faith. Faith is funny like that. It’s not a one-time decision, like deciding to eat dessert before dinner. It is a constant, daily decision to trust. I fluctuate between a giddy joy and excitement of what amazing opportunities are to come, and being paralyzed by the fear of the unknown. That is where trust comes in.
So what does this look like, you ask? I am in the throws of defining my vision for this art program: creating curriculum, seeking counsel from professionals, reading Art Therapy books, registering for a couple prerequisites for the masters program I am pursuing, praying constantly, seeking counsel and (did I mention?) seeking counsel. I will admit to you that it is difficult and vulnerable for me to share this plan with others (particularly professionals in the field), when I dont know all of it. But, here is what I do know. I know that art is an extraordinary tool for healing. I know that God has given us creative minds so that we can experience Him and express Him. I know that there are children who have been through more trauma than words could ever express. I know that art can, with God’s help, be an instrument for expressing the depths of one’s soul, where words cannot. I know that I have been given a deep yearning and passion to be an advocate for children without a voice, provide a safe place of expression for those who are hurting, use art as a tool for healing, use the resources that I have been given to serve others, and to cross cultures with art. I know that I have ideas of what this art program will look like, but I also know that it has already been morphing into a better model these last few weeks. I know that my mission is:
“To empower and actively love and care for God’s children -others and myself- through creative expression and compassion as an act of worship.”
By pursuing that, I cant go wrong. I can’t fail, because God is at the center. My desire is to use COTN as a platform for this mission.
I hear Professor Leffel in the back of my mind, enthusiastically saying “Just Nike guys!”… just do it. Yes, but how? How do I take my life dream and make it a reality? Gulp. Yes, I will fail at things. Yes, everything that I am imagining and dreaming today will potentially look 180* different in 2 years time. Yes, there will be times when I will want to throw in the towel and call it quits. But I know that if I do not pursue this with all of my heart, I will absolutely regret it for the rest of my life. Edgar Lee Masters' words resonate:
“I have studied many times the marble which was chiseled for me - A boat with a furled sail at rest in a harbor. In truth it pictures not my destination but my life. For love was offered me & I shrank from its disillusionment; Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid; Ambition called me, but I dreaded the chances. Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life. And now I know that we must lift the sail and catch the winds of destiny, wherever they drive the boat. To put meaning in one's life may end in madness, but life without meaning is the torture of restlessness and vague desire - it's a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid.”
- Edgar Lee Masters
On those “fear days”, I have to remember the times that I have succeeded, the times that I have thrived, the times when I was left feeling like I used my strengths and gifts to their fullest potential. I have to remember the times when I’ve stepped out in faith and trusted in a God bigger than me and my meager ideas; leaning into the fact that He has a plan that encompasses all and more than I am capable of dreaming. To trust him is the scariest, most rewarding adventure I could ever choose to take.
This is His, not mine.
He knows how I will do in school. He knows the times that I will fall short. He knows that when I do, He has the opportunity to shine all the more. He knows my future, my past, my desires, my dreams, my vision, my insecurities. So many of those things were placed in me by Him. He knows my struggles, my shortcomings, and where I lack knowledge and skill. He knows others who can fill those gaps for me. He knows what is in store. He knows. I trust. I step. One at a time.
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