Making Dreams Come True is Actually Kinda Scary

About 5 weeks ago I stepped out in faith and left my “other job” as a jewelry-smith of 2 years, because I knew it was time to pursue my dream of creating an art program with Children of the Nations (COTN). It is a continual step of faith. Faith is funny like that. It’s not a one-time decision, like deciding to eat dessert before dinner. It is a constant, daily decision to trust. I fluctuate between a giddy joy and excitement of what amazing opportunities are to come, and being paralyzed by the fear of the unknown. That is where trust comes in.

So what does this look like, you ask? I am in the throws of defining my vision for this art program: creating curriculum, seeking counsel from professionals, reading Art Therapy books, registering for a couple prerequisites for the masters program I am pursuing, praying constantly, seeking counsel and (did I mention?) seeking counsel. I will admit to you that it is difficult and vulnerable for me to share this plan with others (particularly professionals in the field), when I dont know all of it. But, here is what I do know. I know that art is an extraordinary tool for healing. I know that God has given us creative minds so that we can experience Him and express Him. I know that there are children who have been through more trauma than words could ever express. I know that art can, with God’s help, be an instrument for expressing the depths of one’s soul, where words cannot. I know that I have been given a deep yearning and passion to be an advocate for children without a voice, provide a safe place of expression for those who are hurting, use art as a tool for healing, use the resources that I have been given to serve others, and to cross cultures with art. I know that I have ideas of what this art program will look like, but I also know that it has already been morphing into a better model these last few weeks. I know that my mission is:

“To empower and actively love and care for God’s children -others and myself- through creative expression and compassion as an act of worship.”

By pursuing that, I cant go wrong. I can’t fail, because God is at the center. My desire is to use COTN as a platform for this mission. 

I hear Professor Leffel in the back of my mind, enthusiastically saying “Just Nike guys!”… just do it. Yes, but how? How do I take my life dream and make it a reality? Gulp. Yes, I will fail at things. Yes, everything that I am imagining and dreaming today will potentially look 180* different in 2 years time. Yes, there will be times when I will want to throw in the towel and call it quits. But I know that if I do not pursue this with all of my heart, I will absolutely regret it for the rest of my life. Edgar Lee Masters' words resonate:

“I have studied many times the marble which was chiseled for me - A boat with a furled sail at rest in a harbor. In truth it pictures not my destination but my life. For love was offered me & I shrank from its disillusionment; Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid; Ambition called me, but I dreaded the chances. Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life. And now I know that we must lift the sail and catch the winds of destiny, wherever they drive the boat. To put meaning in one's life may end in madness, but life without meaning is the torture of restlessness and vague desire - it's a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid.”

- Edgar Lee Masters

On those “fear days”, I have to remember the times that I have succeeded, the times that I have thrived, the times when I was left feeling like I used my strengths and gifts to their fullest potential. I have to remember the times when I’ve stepped out in faith and trusted in a God bigger than me and my meager ideas; leaning into the fact that He has a plan that encompasses all and more than I am capable of dreaming. To trust him is the scariest, most rewarding adventure I could ever choose to take.

This is His, not mine.

He knows how I will do in school. He knows the times that I will fall short. He knows that when I do, He has the opportunity to shine all the more. He knows my future, my past, my desires, my dreams, my vision, my insecurities. So many of those things were placed in me by Him. He knows my struggles, my shortcomings, and where I lack knowledge and skill. He knows others who can fill those gaps for me. He knows what is in store. He knows. I trust. I step. One at a time.

I have officially gotten 1,000 views on my blog! I dont know if that is cool or creepy since some of those views are from random places around the world. But I am honored to hit 1,000 views.

It seems like my posts are often reminiscent of my journal entries, going something like this: "I cant believe it's been so long since I have written here. So much has happened. Why dont I write in here more?" Might sound familiar to you too? While I won't go into grave detail about all that has gone on since my last post in October (oh, geeze!) because I might just put you to sleep, I will tell you this… life has been full, heavy, joyful, exciting, sad at times and - as is always true - continues to change. Change is inevitable. But that is part of the adventure, right?

To give you a better idea of what has gone on in my life, here is my recent newsletter (for those of you whose address I do not have… if you would like to be on my mailing list, please email me with your address): Amber's Quarterly Update

Until next time (hopefully not as long this time)

New Ground

ground |ground|

noun [in sing.] the solid surface of the earth. 2 an area of knowledge or subject of discussion or thought.  3 (grounds) factors forming a basis for action or the justification for a belief.  4 chiefly Art: a prepared surface to which paint is applied.  A substance used to prepare a surface for painting.

To find yourself on new ground can be exhilarating. You take in your first deep breath and experience new smells and sounds that you have never known before; at least here, right now, in this context. Like stepping off a plane in a foreign land, this new ground - though it has been there all along - feels fresh and untapped, full of possibility. And you set off, ready to embrace the next step.
I recently set my feet (and my belongings) on the new ground of an apartment! After living at my parent's house for an unexpected 2 years, I became a nomad, of sorts. Over the course of four months, I have lived in 5 different places and had a total of ten roommates (if you include Lola, the dog). I loved meeting and living with new people and re-learning being a roommate. And now, I have settled myself, with my name on a lease, in a cozy apartment in the artsy neighborhood of North Park, with a wonderful roommate named Kristi. It is beginning to feel like home and I am so thankful to be in a place where I can rest myself and start a new chapter of life, embracing the artistic culture of NP and creating a home. 
Another area of new ground has been my new position with Children of the Nations (I've actually been in this position for a few months now). I transitioned from my roll as Venture Coordinator, to Community Coordinator. I have loved meeting with people, sharing the vision of COTN and joining together with others also passionate about "raising children who transform nations." What an honor it has been. I am continuing to learn, grow and be challenged in my new roll.
In my September newsletter, I wrote about a partnership with a local Christian camp, Pondo (short for Pondorosa Pines Christian Camp) that was developed with COTN San Diego over the summer. In my letter, I referenced a recent trip to the Dominican Republic where the youth learned about new water purification systems being installed in their (and neighboring) batays because of the generocity of Pondo and its campers. The students danced. They danced for water! Watch the following videos to get a taste of the contagious excitement that week. 



COTN Dominican Republic Youth Camp, summer 2011

Watch this video to see campers excited about the new water purification systems

I think of new ground as we prepare for 2012 with new partners and relationships in San Diego. I am excited for the growth and exploration that is to come, in every way. 

In a way, every day is new ground. We have the choice to explore and set out on a new path. Untapped earth. What "new" can I find in my day, I wonder…?

I explore. One step at a time.

… what I have to give ...

After a full day of cleaning and purging through a closet that had been my "dumping ground" for the last [ah-chem]… 2 years [yes I'm blushing], I found plenty of junk, too much trash (of course it wasn't trash when it entered the closet vortex) and a few treasures. One such treasure (or at least a good little nugget) was a simple piece of yellow paper with black scribbles (written during a time of soul searching and job searching about 1.5 years ago). As I sat reading amongst my pile of stuff, I found my old words profound, revisiting the idea of cleaning this globe of poverty. Here's what it reads:
   "I'm pretty sure we can all agree that single handedly donning the task of obliterating poverty from this planet is impossible. If you study psychology, sociology, anthropology or economics for even a short time, you will find a history full of oppression and hierarchy. However, that is no reason to stop efforts dedicated to lifting other humans out of the depths of pain and suffering. We are just as human as anyone else. So, since we have been given so much (not only stuff and money, but our hands, feet, minds and hearts) - while masses are being exploited and living a life they did not ask for, nor do they deserve - we can change the patterns of history. This is a daring, bold, risky thing; but there is no better time than now. We don't know if we will have 'later'. I want to do something with these hands. Remember, 'alone you can go fast, but together you can go far.' We know that there is not just one answer that will solve this issue of poverty, rather a tapestry of many. And I'll say it now to get it out of the way, "we just need to love people." There. I said it. Though cliche it may be; it's true. Taking that a step further though: what else can we do IN LOVE to eradicate poverty? Change takes action. As a wise man once said, 'Be the change you wish to see in the world' (Ghandi). Bring hope. Bring love.


If you have a couple extra minutes today, look through these amazing pictures; paintings and poetry of heaven and earth by a young girl (starting at 4 years old!). It will take your breath away. This is a young lady who is living out her gifts and using her hands to glorify God, "because I cant stop myself", she says. I want to meet this remarkable girl one day. So, I dont challenge you to try to paint like her (because I think that's impossible for almost anyone), but I do challenge you (and me!) to live like her. What has God gifted you with? How are you using it? How can you use it better, to the point where all you can say is, "I just cant stop myself"? Take a look at what you are good at (make a list if you have to), name a theme for your talents (artist, numbers guy, advocate, etc.) and do one thing today (toward that theme) that scares you. Journal your experience so that you can remind your future self. Try it again tomorrow.

"Power of Prayer" by Akiane, age 10 

(click picture to go straight to her gallery)

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." 

- Howard Thurman

New at Open Canvas!

Check it out! I have added a couple new pages to Open Canvas as a way to open things even more. Open Canvas is a place for my global musings and creative expression. I hope you enjoy!

abundant opportunity

I am clearly very overdue for updating you on the happenings of my life (that is if I still have any followers here). I am still fairly new to owning a blog, so I will rest on that excuse for now. The last three months have been a bit of a whirlwind, full of so many fun, growing, adventurous, new things. And now, I am tired. I am currently sitting on the couch - where I have been for the last ?  hours - with my feet up, a box of triscuts in hand (fire roasted tomato, yumm!) and a favorite pandora playlist lulling me in and out of consciousness. It feels so good! You should try it! :) I'll be honest, I havent tried it in a while. But this evening I embrace rest in all it's glory!

So, what have I been up to? Well, since you asked, why dont you join me. Take a seat, kick up your feet and I will tell you…

April:

After returning from the Dominican Republic, all of the Children of the Nations USA staff came together for our annual homecoming, prayer retreat and training in Silverdale, WA (where our corporate office is located). What a fun week that was! It is always so refreshing to come together as one team, one family, to regroup and refocus on God, who he has called us to serve and who he desires for us to be, in Him. The week was full of fun, rest, prayer, reflection, new faces and fresh ideas. I left feeling encouraged and assured, once again, that working with Children of the Nations is exactly where God wants me to be. 

The sunday after we returned, Flood church announced at their Easter service that over the previous 4 weeks, the church family had raised over $200,000 during their Hope for Haiti campaign to help in the start-up of COTN Haiti! Amazing! We have already been able to use a portion of those funds to help 13 children and their families in Haiti move out of tent communities/shelters and into a house of their own, receive more medical attention and help get them on their feet (children of these families were very seriously injured in the 2010 earthquake, identifying them as some of "the worst of the worst". Get to know their stories here. They are currently still in need of regular sponsors to help long-term as well). With the remainder of the funds, COTN is working on purchasing land in Haiti and building new facilities for more children and their families in need. Thank you Flood Church for helping in furthering the vision and mission of Children of the Nations!

Here are two videos about Flood's Hope for Haiti Campaign

Hope for Haiti

Hope for Haiti Celebration

May:

A couple weeks after that, the COTN San Diego team drove up to Valencia, CA and had the opportunity to participate in the first Million Meal Maration. In one morning, 13 churches, over 6000 volunteers, 4 shipping containers and a whole lot of Lentils, Spice, Chicken and Rice came together to package 1 MILLION meals! That's enough meals to feed 2,739 children every day for a year! It was so powerful to see individuals of all ages all around the community, come together with one purpose of serving God and his children.

After that, COTN San Diego hosted our first Annual Benefit Dinner and Silent Auction. It was a fun night in which we were able to share Children of the Nations with other locals in the San Diego community. We look forward to next year!

(these arent the best pictures, but you can get the idea)

The following week, I had the chance to enjoy a week of vacation in Palm Desert with my parents and sister. We did a whole lot of nothing, which was exactly what we all needed. 

June:

Upon returning from vacation, COTN San Diego began a Water Purification project with Pondorosa Pines Christian Camp (commonly known as "Pondo") up in the San Bernardino mountains. Our team went up to the camp and transformed an old, hidden cabin into a building that looks like it's from a Dominican Batey. We set up 9 stations in and around the building to serve as a prayer walk and prayer prompt for the campers throughout the summer. 

Here are a couple pictures through the prayer walk…

 little cabin batey in the woods

 This cabin of boys were the first to go through the prayer walk. 

These two are stopping at the "Things We Take For Grated" prayer station. 

Reading and praying at the "Water" station in front

The "Bathing", "Outhouse" (not pictured) and "Hope for the Future" prayer stations around the back

stepping into the one room house

Throughout the summer, over 80 churches in southern california and surrounding areas will have the opportunity to hear about COTN and participate in a project to provide clean water for two bateys in the Dominican Republic that have found high levels of E.coli in their water. We are also making plans to run a church camp for children in the Dominican Republic! I am excited to be going back up to Pondo on Tuesday as this week's COTN speaker/representative and see how things are going. 

The last couple weeks, the COTN San Diego team has put our creative juices together and furnished our new office in Kearny Mesa (amazing how many free and inexpensive materials are out there. And how creative you can get when you are working with a tiny budget) and just today we had our first Meal Packaging Event in our warehouse! The Barnabus Group, San Diego Chapter, brought about 50 volunteers and packaged 10,000 meals! 

In the midst of this, I have been blessed with enough personal financial support to allow me to move out of my parents house and into a couple temporary room renting situations (my friend Claire was in South Africa for a month and now I am renting another friend's room while she takes a six week trip through Europe). 

I am now looking for another place to live starting August 1. 

Coming Soon…

My next adventure is a mini-road trip in mid-July from San Diego to the Los Angeles, Orange County, San Bernardino Mountains and High Desert areas… I told you it was mini :) I am really looking forward to seeing and catching up with family and friends!

It has been so exciting to watch God move through all of these awesome opportunities these past months. I am continually reminded of what a blessing it is to work with the people that I do, serve the children and families that God has brought to COTN and to be a part of something so much bigger than myself. There are days when it feels too big, but that is when God reminds me that He is in control and I am not. He has simply asked me to be his hands, feet and voice. I pray that I can do so humbly and faithfully. 

Whew! I apologize for the length (and apologize that this is the first COTN update in 3 months!), but it is good to catch up ;) I hope you enjoyed sitting and resting as much as I have. 

I'd love to hear from you too! Feel free to email me at amberkaiser@cotni.org

- Breathing -

With a single breath we are given life and with one breath we can loose life; it's the breaths in between that matter most. Over the weekend, as we remembered Christ's death and celebrated his life and resurrection, a close friend lost his dad to a massive heart attack and another close friend welcomed their first child into the world. The stark contrast of emotions in the last few days have been amazing, though ringing of the same tone: life is precious and short and we have a choice in what we do with it.

I have heard pastors conducting funerals often use the phrase "what are you doing with your dash?". The idea being that when you die, your tombstone displays your birthday, a "-" , and then your last day. That one little, tiny line tells a story. I have been asking myself what kind of story my "-" tells, seeking honest answers. I have been assured of many things, but also faced with the reality that if you were to zoom in on that little line, you would also see some messy things. One mess in particular is the looming word "busy". Used in a sentence? "I'm sorry, I'm busy that day", "ya, I'm doing really well, I've been keepin' busy" or "I'm so sorry I havent gotten back to you, I've been super crazy-busy" (not just "busy", but "crazy-busy"… as if we needed help getting our point across). I dont want to get to the end of my "-" and have been "busy". I want to get to the end and know that every speck of that little line was used to cultivate relationships, have fun, explore my gifts and talents, restore relationships, accomplish great things (big and small), experience the world and it's Creator, act justly, love mercy, humbly walk with Him and breathe. So, today's blog (I know, I havent been very good at blogging! I'm trying to make this a regular part of my "-") is dedicated to the breaths that were taken and the full, blessed life that was lived by Gary Field (December 27, 1955 - April 23, 2011), to the breaths and adventures that are still to be taken in the life of Aurora Cate Barr (born April 25, 2011), and to the wonderful friends, family and ever-loving God that grace my "-" and bring joy, peace, restoration, adventure and healing to even the simplest of breaths.  May you live a very full "-"

If to distant lands I scatter

If I sail to farthest seas

Would You find and firm and gather?

'Til I only dwell in Thee?

If I flee from greenest pastures

Would You leave to look for me?

Forfeit glory to come after?

'Til I only dwell in Thee

If my heart has one ambition

If my soul one goal to seek

This my solitary vision

'Til I only dwell in Thee

That I only dwell in Thee

'Til I only dwell in Thee

("Hymn" by Brooke Fraser)