I've Said My Last Goodbye at Children of the Nations

Today is my last day at Children of the Nations. Wow. It doesn't quite feel real. I have been preparing for this for several weeks and now it's here. It's an interesting thing saying goodbye to something that is so good. Today I have been experiencing an indescribable amount of peace. Sure, on top of the peace I have felt fear, excitement, and sadness. But I know that I am stepping into this next chapter for a reason. Today I made my last deposit, my last phone call, my last email, my last COTN google doc, my last training, my last item on my last to do list, and my last goodbye. My last goodbye was filled with so much gratitude. My last goodbye was to two men that we call "The J Team" or "the construction guys" at our office. These two have been incredible servants from day one, always with a smile. Being a team of women, they have stepped in without being asked on countless occasions, and have always done it so willingly. They have both intensionally taken English classes so that they'd be able to talk with us. They have been such a joy to work with and get to know. They have really become friends. The J team has never asked for anything, and always been so willing and happy to step in and help. Today as I said goodbye, they said "you have given us so much." Wow. Truly humble servants. I gave them christmas cards and chocolates (not nearly enough) and left. And I cried my way home. I don't know if it was saying my last goodbye or saying goodbye to them that did me in. They have, in so many ways, been the backbone and unsung heroes of Children of the Nations and my time as the Area Director here. I truly could not have done it without them.

And so, I have closed up shop, for the holidays and for this amazing almost-5-year season with an incredible ministry that has changed my life forever. It was January 2010 that I began my journey with COTN. I will never be the same. I have travelled the world and shared life with unforgettable people, made hundreds of new friends, and learned incredible lessons on compassion, love, service, ministry, international development, what it means to truly help others, leadership, event planning, partner development, fundraising, The Church, God's provision, my own poverty and riches, grace, and living out love. I know those lessons are not over for me. I am being called deeper into each of those. What that will look like? I have some ideas, options, and some time to figure that out; but, ultimately, it beats me! I am stepping out in faith as I remember stories of Abraham, Moses, Esther, and so many others who have chosen to listen to that still small voice. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of them. Their stories help me to remember that I can act on something that appears foolish to some (leaving a position that looks great on a resume at an organization that has been so wonderful) for something that's actually a little harder (pursuing a passion that I believe God has gifted me with); and as I actively pursue what's in front of me, God will provide a way.

This is the way I came to COTN (stepping into the great unknown), and the way that I am stepping out of the boat.

And so, with tears in my eyes and a song of thanksgiving on my mouth, I step out into the great unknown - excited, anticipating, and a little scared; but full of peace - knowing full well that "you are exactly where you should be. You are doing exactly what you should be doing."

A friend sent me an email today with this verse, and it brought me so much comfort: "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." (Deut. 31:8)

And so here I go! The adventure continues!

My Goodbye Letter to COTN

Dear Friends and Family, 

I have so much to be thankful for and you are at the top of my list. Truly. I am overflowing with gratitude as I write this. I know that I could not be where I am today without the love, support, gifts, prayers, and words of encouragement that you have shown. I am truly blown away at the abundance of blessings that I have experienced these last 4 ½ years at Children of the Nations.

While my heart is full of gratitude, it is with sadness and joy that I let you know that my time at Children of the Nations is coming to a close at the end of this year. I am sad to be leaving COTN because it has been such a wonderful experience and, in a lot of ways, a big family to me. I am leaving on very positive terms and plan to stay connected indefinitely. I love the organization and believe in what they do in raising orphaned and destitute children to transform nations. I have seen it first hand and that will stick with me forever. 

Starting on January 1, 2015 Jackie Barnes will be taking on my current position at Children of the Nations. She is wonderful and I am confident in her abilities to continue to develop what I have been a part of establishing in San Diego. 

My decision to leave COTN came as I have continued to return to the vision that came to me years ago of developing an art program for people in need: providing hope, healing, and life-skills through artisan work. This vision has become clearer and clearer as I have explored options through my time at COTN, being a part of art camps, workshops, trips, and many conversations with my friends internationally and here in the states. I am confident that this is what I am being called to explore, discover, and develop in myself and give back to others. However, in order to do that, I need to gain new skills and experience in the art world. 

And so, I am taking a giant leap of faith right now as I pursue my dream and vision. 

I am in the process of looking for a job in the art and design world while I further develop my art skills. I am also excited to have found an organization in Haiti called “The Apparent Project” which provides artisan jobs so that parents can keep their children out of orphanages. I am blessed and excited that my sister, Lauren, has a very similar vision to mine: to provide hope, healing, and life-skills through artisan work. So we will be going to Haiti together January 20-24, 2015 (stay tuned for more info)!! We don’t know what God has in store for us in this adventure, but we know that we want to explore and turn over as many stones as we can. 

Please pray for me as I explore the options in front of me: what jobs and opportunities to take, who to connect with, and even what city I will live in. I am excited to see how things take shape as I get closer to 2015. If you have any connections that you think would be a good fit, I am open to exploring all options. 

To continue giving to the wonderful ministry of Children of the Nations, please consider sponsoring a child, I have many friends (children) in need of sponsors like you: www.cotni.org/children

Thank you again for a being on this journey with me with Children of the Nations. It has been an incredible experience that I will always treasure. The journey is not over! Adventure awaits! 

His,
Amber 

He is Provider

At the end of the last quarter, I needed $700 to meet my support raising goal of $3000 by March 31 (for those of you who read my email, I am sorry that my math was SO confusing!). I prayed a lot, thought through my best options, asked, and prayed some more. I had no idea how that was going to happen in a matter of 2 weeks. And then...

On March 30, I had an appointment with my car insurance guy because a while ago some nincompoop decided to key my car in the 30 mins it was parked on the street (one of those "random acts of meanness"). Mr. Insurance came to my office, took pictures of the "art work" on my car, and asked me a couple questions. He told me he would work on some estimates, and be back in a few minutes. After about 30 mins he knocks on my office door again with a packet in hand. "Paperwork", I thought. He said, "Well, I did all of the estimations, and got you a few quotes for auto body repairs. So with those totals, after your deductible, it comes to $719." I stood there in shock. "And I have a check already printed for you, right here," he said. My jaw hit the floor. No way! I had expected to get maybe $200, if anything at all! And now, the day before I needed $700, I held in my hand a check for $19 over what I needed!! I wanted to give Superman Insurance Man a giant hug, but I composed myself, thinking that may not be very professional.

He is taking care of me. In abundance! I could have never in a million years predicted something like that. It was more proof to me that he gives us just what we need... and then some.

"You feed them from the abundance of your own house, letting them drink from your rivers of delights." Psalm 36:8

Video about me and COTN!

It's been a long time since I have been here. This year has been a bit of a blur. It was full of big challenges, growth promotions, actual promotions, incredible experiences, opportunities I never expected, and relationships (with friends, family and God) like I have never experienced before. My love for God and the ministry He is doing through COTN has been deepened and I couldn't be more happy to be where I am right now. It is truly an honor to be a part of this great movement! Check out my video here:

……. Processing

……… - this is what I feel like my mind has been doing for the last week. I have been catching up on much needed sleep (from 8-15 hours a night! Score! Yep, I get really excited about sleep. It's the best. It's God's best invention and makes everything better. It is so true that "without sleep we are just tall 2 year olds". Anyway, I could write a whole blogpost about it, but I'll spare you) and processing our experience in Uganda. I am a processor. I enjoy and need ample time to sit in an experience in order to understand and soak up every bit that I can. This time in Uganda may have been the most impactful trip that I have ever experienced. I wish that I could bottle it up and bring it home to share with everyone, but they haven't invented that App yet.
     I made a list of "Things to Remember from Uganda 2012". My desire is to blog about each one. I will start off with a few stories and then add more later on.

Beauty and Healing through the Pain

   I recently finished a new favorite book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Ann was "dared" by a friend to take note of 1,000 things in her life that she saw as beautiful gifts. The book journeys with her through her discovery of deep gratitude and simple beauty. But the book starts out with an earth shaking tragedy in her life. She was shaken to her core and stricken by fear for a long time. However, after taking ample time to grieve, she made a choice to look for God's infinite beauty in the midst of her pain and found healing there. I experienced this Uganda. In order for you to understand the incredible depth of impact that Children of the Nations is having on Uganda, I need to share with you some context of what the beautiful people of this country have come through. Some of this is uncomfortable and unimaginable. Let me assure you of two things: 1) the stories and people are real today, and 2) God is actively healing and transforming this nation.
   Death and destruction riddled "The Pearl of Africa" for decades. With the presence of The LRA (The Lord's Resistance Army) and a corrupt government, thousands of innocent lives have been ruined and ruled over in atrocious ways that I cannot repeat openly here. Trust me when I say that some of the most disgusting, inhumane, unbelievable things have happened to men, women and children at the hands of bloodthirsty soldiers. Children forced to kill their families, parents forced to kill their own children. Innocent people abducted, tortured and maimed in unthinkable ways. There is not a Ugandan who has not been effected by the horrors of these evil forces.
   On our first full day in Northern Uganda we visited a village called Barlonyo. This village had been home to 13 of the children now living in full care at Children of the Nations - Uganda. During the war in Uganda, Barlonyo was an IDP (Internally Displaced People) camp. IDP camps were intended to be places of refuge for families who had been driven out of their homes by the war. Barlonyo was one of the largest IDP camps in Northern Uganda, housing over 500 families. On February 21, 2004 Barlonyo was attacked by hundreds of armed soldiers. In broad daylight houses were set ablaze and hundreds upon hundreds of innocent people were ruthlessly killed. Like so many other attacks of this nature, survivors were left with nothing, orphans were left to take care of orphans. Many, like "Tabitha" and her grandmother were able to escape. Tabitha's grandmother still lives in Barlonyo and greets visitors who come to learn and pay their respects at the mass grave in the center of the village (pictured below).

Barlonyo's Mass grave

Orphans caring for Orphans

(while I dont know if these children are orphans, I wanted to share with you what it looks like. COTN regularly discovers child-headed households. It is not uncommon to find children as young as 5 years old caring for their younger siblings)

   We left Barlonyo quietly. Our souls mourning the loss of thousands of other souls. How could this happen? How do you begin to comprehend? What can we do? It is impossible to leave Barlonyo unchanged. We were there for only a couple hours, but I will never forget the impact that it had on my heart. To think that this was just one instance of hundreds of similar attacks. During our two weeks, we heard many more personal accounts of similar, unfathomable pain. One man that we got to know has narrowly escaped death at least 10 times in his life.
   However, from this pain, destruction and suffering comes transformation and healing. It is hard to see when you are reading about it and can only see it in 2-D. But trust me when I tell you that God's presence, healing power, restoration and transformation is real and at work right now. One of the things I wrote on my list of "Things to Remember…" is "Deep sorrow met with deep joy." As I listened and learned about the atrocities that happened to the people of Uganda, I simultaneously experienced their deep joy and love. I was reminded of two things: first, was the verse that says to "mourn with those who mourn and be joyful with those who are joyful"; and, second, one of my favorite quotes from Kahlil Gibran that says,

      "Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall." (emphasis added)

   The next day we drove the 20 minutes from the guesthouse to Children of the Nations-Uganda. As soon as the van rounded the corner, masses of blue shorts and pink shirts came running toward us; children laughing and screaming in excitement! Joy in its purest form. Tabitha was one of them. A survivor of Barlonyo's attack, she carries physical scars of her family burned. But Tabitha has a joy that can move mountains. She has, by God's healing through counseling and the love of others, transformed into a beautiful young lady who loves to sing and dance and love others deeply. She is just one of hundreds who are a testament of God's love, healing and transformation.

Here is a little taste of that joy...

This is a dance that the children at the Children's Village did for us at the Welcome Celebration when we arrived the first night

   

Making Dreams Come True is Actually Kinda Scary

About 5 weeks ago I stepped out in faith and left my “other job” as a jewelry-smith of 2 years, because I knew it was time to pursue my dream of creating an art program with Children of the Nations (COTN). It is a continual step of faith. Faith is funny like that. It’s not a one-time decision, like deciding to eat dessert before dinner. It is a constant, daily decision to trust. I fluctuate between a giddy joy and excitement of what amazing opportunities are to come, and being paralyzed by the fear of the unknown. That is where trust comes in.

So what does this look like, you ask? I am in the throws of defining my vision for this art program: creating curriculum, seeking counsel from professionals, reading Art Therapy books, registering for a couple prerequisites for the masters program I am pursuing, praying constantly, seeking counsel and (did I mention?) seeking counsel. I will admit to you that it is difficult and vulnerable for me to share this plan with others (particularly professionals in the field), when I dont know all of it. But, here is what I do know. I know that art is an extraordinary tool for healing. I know that God has given us creative minds so that we can experience Him and express Him. I know that there are children who have been through more trauma than words could ever express. I know that art can, with God’s help, be an instrument for expressing the depths of one’s soul, where words cannot. I know that I have been given a deep yearning and passion to be an advocate for children without a voice, provide a safe place of expression for those who are hurting, use art as a tool for healing, use the resources that I have been given to serve others, and to cross cultures with art. I know that I have ideas of what this art program will look like, but I also know that it has already been morphing into a better model these last few weeks. I know that my mission is:

“To empower and actively love and care for God’s children -others and myself- through creative expression and compassion as an act of worship.”

By pursuing that, I cant go wrong. I can’t fail, because God is at the center. My desire is to use COTN as a platform for this mission. 

I hear Professor Leffel in the back of my mind, enthusiastically saying “Just Nike guys!”… just do it. Yes, but how? How do I take my life dream and make it a reality? Gulp. Yes, I will fail at things. Yes, everything that I am imagining and dreaming today will potentially look 180* different in 2 years time. Yes, there will be times when I will want to throw in the towel and call it quits. But I know that if I do not pursue this with all of my heart, I will absolutely regret it for the rest of my life. Edgar Lee Masters' words resonate:

“I have studied many times the marble which was chiseled for me - A boat with a furled sail at rest in a harbor. In truth it pictures not my destination but my life. For love was offered me & I shrank from its disillusionment; Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid; Ambition called me, but I dreaded the chances. Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life. And now I know that we must lift the sail and catch the winds of destiny, wherever they drive the boat. To put meaning in one's life may end in madness, but life without meaning is the torture of restlessness and vague desire - it's a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid.”

- Edgar Lee Masters

On those “fear days”, I have to remember the times that I have succeeded, the times that I have thrived, the times when I was left feeling like I used my strengths and gifts to their fullest potential. I have to remember the times when I’ve stepped out in faith and trusted in a God bigger than me and my meager ideas; leaning into the fact that He has a plan that encompasses all and more than I am capable of dreaming. To trust him is the scariest, most rewarding adventure I could ever choose to take.

This is His, not mine.

He knows how I will do in school. He knows the times that I will fall short. He knows that when I do, He has the opportunity to shine all the more. He knows my future, my past, my desires, my dreams, my vision, my insecurities. So many of those things were placed in me by Him. He knows my struggles, my shortcomings, and where I lack knowledge and skill. He knows others who can fill those gaps for me. He knows what is in store. He knows. I trust. I step. One at a time.

I have officially gotten 1,000 views on my blog! I dont know if that is cool or creepy since some of those views are from random places around the world. But I am honored to hit 1,000 views.

It seems like my posts are often reminiscent of my journal entries, going something like this: "I cant believe it's been so long since I have written here. So much has happened. Why dont I write in here more?" Might sound familiar to you too? While I won't go into grave detail about all that has gone on since my last post in October (oh, geeze!) because I might just put you to sleep, I will tell you this… life has been full, heavy, joyful, exciting, sad at times and - as is always true - continues to change. Change is inevitable. But that is part of the adventure, right?

To give you a better idea of what has gone on in my life, here is my recent newsletter (for those of you whose address I do not have… if you would like to be on my mailing list, please email me with your address): Amber's Quarterly Update

Until next time (hopefully not as long this time)